


It's Always the Quiet One

by BurningBroadripple



Series: What is this Feeling [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Eren Is a Little Shit, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, M/M, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 19:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10520103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningBroadripple/pseuds/BurningBroadripple
Summary: In a world where you can read your soulmates thoughts on your body, it should be easy to find them. Unfortunately for Eren, his soulmate seems to keep their thoughts to themself. Cannon-ish, but only up to the end of the first season. Takes place three years after. Eren-centric in the beginning, with Levi POV chapters later on. The slowest of slow burns - this one is all about getting them together.





	1. Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> In celebration of SNK season 2 airing today, I've decided to post my SNK soulmate AU for Ereri here. Considering writing a follow up for this if there's a desire.

**March 30th, 853**

"Eren get your ass over here so we can eat the damn cake!" Of course the shout had come from Jean. A few ales and it seemed he had forgotten that it was in fact, Eren's birthday, and not his own. That was the only excuse for why he felt so entitled to a portion of the cake. That, or the fact that he had grudgingly helped Armin bake it at the promise of the reward.

"Oi, horseface, I will blow out my candles when I damn well feel like it!" he knew that edging Jean on would only lead to more insults being flung back at him, but it was just the way they communicated.

"Eren please. It's late and I don't want to deal with him if he drinks anymore." Mikasa sighed. Eren had always thought that someone as brave and beautiful and wondrous as Mikasa would have ended up with a soulmate that at least matched her talents. Someone that she could fight beside, someone she wouldn't need to protect. But fate was cruel, and instead it had placed her and Jean in each other's lives forever. On the surface, they were a terrible match. Jean was reluctant to lead, only doing so if necessary to survive. Mikasa was a natural leader, but she often put those around her first while throwing her own safety to the wind. Yet somehow, Eren had to admit they worked well. He'd see how tender Mikasa was towards Jean when they thought no one was looking, how Jean went out of his way to pick her flowers and sharpen her blades. They had a balance he couldn't explain, but then again that was the point of a soulmate – you didn't have to explain it, it just was. One day, if neither of them died, they'd probably let things take a more intimate direction, maybe have a small family.

He checked the time to see it was just after midnight, officially marking him 18. It was now or never. "Alright, Armin would you mind lighting the candles?" The small blond boy already had the lighter in hand, eager to add the final touch to his masterpiece. Eren joined him by the cake, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Thanks Armin, for the cake, and uh… for everything. I really appreciate it." He smiled fondly at the man beside him. In the back of his mind, Eren had always considered that it could be Armin. He knew that the blonde hadn't seen any words yet since turning 18 a few months prior, leaving only three options: his soulmate was either not 18, too far away, or they were dead. If words appeared on him tonight, it would mean it was Eren, and everything between them would begin to change.

"Okay Eren, this is it. Make it a good one, this could be the first thing your soulmate ever sees from you!" Armin was beaming, a glint of some indescribable emotion in his eyes. He wouldn't mind if it was Armin, he had never put much weight on gender or looks. Armin was brilliant and kind and one of the best people he knew. If it was Armin he'd consider himself a lucky man, if it wasn't, he hoped Armin ended up with someone that deserved him. He decided not to let himself think on it for too long – it would be obvious either way soon enough and then they'd both have their answer.

Eren closed his eyes and cleared his mind, preparing his thoughts carefully.

 _'I hope I have a soulmate out there.'_ No, that wouldn't do. Why bother thinking that at all, everyone had one. Okay Jaeger, try again.

 _'I hope you haven't already died'_ oh shit, that was probably a dumb thing to say. Okay, well…

 _'I hope you're nearby and don't mind that I'm a scout because I'm not giving it up.'_ Great, an ultimatum as an introduction. Sure, this was a legitimate concern. He knew that the bond would eventually force them to live in at least the same region, drawing them together until they were close enough for the words to start forming. But if they were somewhere else, they would follow the pull to him and they would figure it out after meeting. It was something to discuss after they found each other, not before.

 _'I hope I find you attractive.'_ Stupid, stupid idiot. Seriously, if they see this as the first thoughts from you they'll never come find you. Calm down, just be honest, last shot…

 _'I hope I grow to love you, and that you grow to love me.'_ And there it was, an honest thought, one he wanted to share. He wasn't sure how the connection worked, how the specific thoughts were chosen. He just knew that that one was the one he wanted to send, the pure truth and nothing else. With the thoughts held firmly in his mind, he blew out the candles. He'd never be certain, but he felt like it had gone to them.

* * *

 

Lying in bed that night Eren found himself restless. He had tossed from one side to the other and curled into a small ball. He had stretched out long on his back. He was currently laying on his stomach, face smashed into the sorry excuse for a pillow. He had tried everything he could think of, but the sleep never came. In his heart, he knew it was because no words had formed yet and his mind couldn't let go of the fear that he would never see them. Maybe titan shifters didn't have soulmates, or maybe his had been killed during the attacks. It wasn't uncommon for someone his age to find that the words never came – too many had been lost after the fall of the wall.

Deciding staying in bed would get him nowhere, he sat up and quietly padded down the empty stone hall. He passed the stairs that lead down to the basement, his old quarters. He wasn't sure what had happened for Levi to trust him, but one day he had simply come down, yelled at him to follow, lead him to his current room instead, and left without any sort of explanation. He was glad to be out of the cold and the dark, but even after three years the fear still lived in him that he could be dangerous.

He had reached the kitchens and quickly headed to find the one thing he knew would calm him – tea with honey. Not that strong black kind that the Captain was so found of, but the light herbal one Hanji had given him to ease his night terrors. He opened the cabinet and reached his left arm up, feeling along the shelf until his fingers closed around the small jar. He started to bring it back down, but found himself frozen in shock instead. If he hadn't known better hadn't seen it happen to others, he would have thought the veins in his left forearm had burst and bled out internally. Dark inky stains began forming on his skin, swirling into existence. It felt like hours before the words began to solidify and darken, but it had likely been just seconds. Finally, two small, delicately written words formed before him.

**How disgusting**

Oh. Oh wow. Oh shit. He had known about seeing the words, but no one had told him about feeling their intent. As soon as he read them, he was overcome with a sense of repulsion and agitation. As the foreign emotions finally left him and the words began to fade, he found himself staring at his arm, still clutching the small jar of tea above him. Well at least he got his first answer – he did have a soulmate. They were alive, older than him, awake at 3 am, at least within the same region and really grossed out. It was a start.

As quickly as his first question was answered, new ones shot to the front of his mind.

_'Where are you?'_

_'Why are you awake?'_

_'What was so disgusting?'_

And then more to himself than to this person that suddenly filled his thoughts, _'why on my arm of all places!?'_ Mikasa's words had formed on the nape of her neck, incredibly difficult to see on your own but Armin had quickly pointed them out. Jean had them on his left inner thigh. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that everyone he knew had words in discrete places, backs and hips and legs – places meant only for their eyes. It seemed like fate was playing another trick, this time Eren was the unlucky recipient. His forearm, between the elbow and the wrist. That was where his words would show up. It was as if even his body knew he didn't pick up on subtext, so the words had appeared in the most direct place possible, somewhere even he couldn't miss them. Unfortunately, this also meant that others wouldn't be able to either.

He hastily made his tea, finishing the last of his honey in an attempt to get a roughly 50/50 ratio (he liked sweets, so what) and then rushed back to his room to compose himself. He decided to focus on each fact that he had learned.

Anyone could find something disgusting, so that wasn't as useful as he had hoped.

They were in the same region. A few years ago it would have helped, but as the titans were pushed further back by the scouts, more citizens returned to their homes. The words had been a dark black though, and many specialists insisted that the closer they were to you physically, the darker the words appeared. It had been true when another scout first noticed his – they were a light faded grey. It only took two months for them to slowly darken until one day a young girl appeared on horseback and insisted that she was not leaving until she found him. That day, the thoughts were jet black. If that were to be taken seriously, then his soulmate was likely in the scouts – there were no close by settlements to consider.

They had to already be 18, so there was no point considering the younger scouts. That left his comrades from the 104th and any other scouts older than that. This was actually a pretty useful fact – there weren't that many of them left from that age, hazards of the job and all. That should narrow it down to 100 or so.

They were awake at this ungodly hour. Well, he could walk the grounds, look into all of the rooms and check who was out on guard, but that felt like a huge invasion of privacy. No, he would let that one go and work with the others. It would be enough.

He finally drank the last of his tea, and slipped into unconsciousness. It was the best sleep he'd had in years.


	2. Missed Connections

**April 7th, 853**

Things hadn't worked out as Eren expected. Instead of seeing new words the next morning, he saw only his golden skin. This wasn't a total shock; some people only saw words a few times a day. But as the day rolled on and turned into the next one, he started to worry. Mikasa gave his small reassuring glances whenever their eyes met – Jean suggested that maybe it had all been a dream and his words simply hadn't shown up yet at all. He wanted to ask Armin directly if the thought had been his, but the blonde had seemed to be avoiding him at every chance. Eren knew that all four were training together in the woods later that week – he'd be unable to dodge him there.

Three days later and Eren stood with the others, skin still blank. He was going to do something to get Armin to open up to him today - something risky and stupid.

"Alright guys, I think today we should run course Hanji!" Mikasa smirked, Jean had a thin scowl across his face, and Armin's expression was a cross between fear and anger.

"Listen you suicidal maniac, just because you love being Hanji's Guinee pig, doesn't mean the rest of us want to be her latest failed experiment!" Jean turned to Mikasa looking for backup, but all he found in her eyes was excitement.

"Mika, you can't be seriously willing to go along with this? Course Hanji?! We'll come back in pieces…" his voice raised an octave high as he whined out the last word. It really amazed Eren how much Jean resembled a horse in that moment.

"I'm in" was the only response Mikasa gave. She placed a chaste kiss on Jean's lips, silencing him into submission.

"Yeah okay whatever, someone has to keep you safe…" he mumbled under his breath.

"Eren, you know I'm not the best with my ODM gear. I don't mind dying fighting Titans, but dying training would be quite the disappointment." Armin was blushing now, embarrassed to admit that he didn't think he could get through the course alive.

_'Alright Jaeger, here goes nothing.'_

"Armin, you are the smartest man I know. No one has made it through Course Hanji because no one has figured out the right was to do it yet! You know all the obstacles, all the twists and turns. If you can't come up with a way to get through it, we won't try. But I know you must have already thought this out." Armin looked away, but it was too late. The glint in his eyes gave him away instantly.

"That's what I thought. So, what's your plan?" All three waited patiently for Armin to speak. The small blonde balled his hands into fists and looked everywhere but at his friends. It was few minutes before he finally relaxed and looked up, a fierce determination in his eyes.

Ten minutes later, they were flying through the course under Armin's direction. Of course there was the last obstacle that changed constantly with Hanji's whims, so no one was ever prepared for it. Eren would never admit it, but he had been terrified the moment he saw it. What kind of evil genius used new recruits in their plans? Hanji, apparently. There in the small clearing was a young scout, probably her first year. She sat on the ground legs crossed, blind folded and frozen in place. Surrounding her were four captured titans – each roughly 4 meters tall with a chain around their neck that kept them just far enough away not to get the girl, but far too close to get her without killing them.

"Seriously! What if one broke loose? Hanji has really lost it this time…" Jean was furious that the girl had been placed in such a perilous situation. Eren had to agree, it was a bit much. Armin was silent, but Eren could see the wheels turning in his mind.

"Alright, Mikasa and Jean, can you distract three of them? The three closest to us. Eren will take out the one on the far side, and I'll grab the scout when it's clear." His voice was calm and confident. Had he not been focused on the plan, Eren would have found it incredibly attractive.

"Wait, why only take out one. Jean and I could easily take out the others." Mikasa seemed annoyed that Armin had thought so little of her abilities.

"Oh, sorry, I thought it was obvious. The other three are harmless once he's dead. The one in the back, he's the leader. If we take him out the others will fall docile. Also, he's blocking the only possible escape route. There are others to the left and the right. I wouldn't be surprised if there were also others behind us at this point. We walked right into Hanji's trap, so we only have one way out. Well, unless we want to blow the whistle and forfeit, but I know this will work." Armin looked to the others only to find them stunned into silence.

Eren was impressed, he hadn't noticed the others, but now that Armin mentioned it, it was so obvious. He really was the smartest man he knew. "Alright Armin, I trust you." Eren smiled and Armin blushed. Jean and Mika shared a knowing look before nodding their agreement.

It was over before they knew it – the other three had become docile and confused just like Armin had suspected, and Eren had taken his out in a few quick hits. Armin grabbed the young woman and the three ran to safety through the narrow passage hidden in the trees. Other scouts came over to congratulate them, but it was Hanji who got to them first, arms flailing above her head, screaming at the top of her lungs. She was just so damn excited about everything. Eren pulled Armin to the side the first chance he had, hoping to finally move forward with things. He let his mind clear and though as directly as he could

' _That was amazing, and it was all because of you.'_

He looked at Armin hopefully, waiting for his words to show themselves. Even if Armin's skin wasn't exposed, he would have felt something, would have felt the tug of the bond eating away at him until he found the words. They stood there in silence, each waiting, hoping that the other would see their thoughts. Finally, Eren felt the sensation return, saw the black clouds forming on his arm. He would have been anxious had he not felt so certain, so completely convinced that Armin's thoughts would appear. He almost didn't want to wait for them to finish forming before grabbing the other man in his arms. Thankfully, he did.

**Useless idiot.**

Oh. Well, that um… yeah. That was not what he was expecting. Suddenly he was overcome with an intense sense of frustration and disappointment, even a hint of fear. It was nothing like how he had felt staring at Armin just a moment before, so hopeful and full of joy. The thoughts poured over him, and as he turned his gaze to Armin, the realization hit him like a ton of bricks the moment their eyes met. Those were not Armin's thoughts. He was not Armin's soulmate. The words faded, the emotions melted away. Now in their place was his own frustration and disappointment.

It was a long walk back to headquarters.


	3. Narrowing the Field

**May 10th, 853**

A month had passed since "the incident" (as it had come to be called by Eren and Mikasa). It had taken two weeks for Armin to even look at him, and when he finally did, large blue orbs full of pain, Eren wished he would have looked away longer. The two had finally talked things through just two days before. Armin had admitted that he still hadn't seen any words form on him, hadn't felt any sort of subconscious pull. He had thoroughly tricked himself into seeing what wasn't there with Eren, but he vowed not to let that happen again. Instead he remained optimistic that his soulmate simply hadn't aged, the alternative too fearful to be spoken. Eren, for his part, had acknowledged that he had convinced himself it was Armin despite the lack of evidence as well. If one could simply will another to be their soulmate, they surely would have done so. As things were, the two would have to move forward as best friends.

Despite his relief that Armin was still a major part of his life, a heavy weight still bore down on him.

**How disgusting.**

**Useless idiot.**

That was all he'd seen in six weeks. It was unheard of - no one else had gone more than a few days between messages once the connection was established. Even Hanji couldn't recall anyone else finding themselves in this predicament. She did have a few ideas on experiments to run and theories on titan shifters and soulmates, but Eren was quick to sneak away as soon as the chance arose.

The mess hall was loud as everyone crowded in for the evening meal. Shouts and jeers were heard from one group, laughter from another. Eren entered well after the others, grabbed a small helping and set off to join the others. He was greeted with a smile from Mikasa as he settled into their usual table.

"Eren, is that going to be enough for you?" she pointed at the plate in front of him, a small roll and a cup of stew the only thing on it.

"If they're running low for the night, you can have some of mine. You should really try to get here earlier." Her tone was concerned, not condescending, but he disliked it all the same. The day Mikasa started mothering Jean instead of him was the best day of his life.

"It's fine, I'm just not that hungry." It wasn't a lie – not really anyway. The truth was he wasn't that hungry, hadn't been for a few weeks now. If he was honest, he hadn't even paid attention to his choices, just taken the first thing that was available. He knew he'd need to eat to keep up his strength for training, but it had been so difficult lately. Sure, eating kept him from being hungry for food, but there was that damnable wanting in the back of his mind, a hole he couldn't fill, an itch he couldn't scratch. It made eating feel pointless – no matter what he did, he would remain utterly insatiable. He finished the rest of his meal quickly - thankful that no one else bothered to comment on his small choice of meal, each catching on that he wanted to be left alone about it.

He stood to leave quickly after finishing - it was not a night he wanted to spend socializing. Just as Eren set down the tray, the familiar sensation started to return. He braced himself against the waste bin, the tray lay forgotten to the side. As much as he wanted to read it, he also feared the emotions that came with it. The first had been uncomfortable, the second frustrating as Hell, but neither were that bad. He only hoped the newest thought wasn't anymore intense than the previous two.

**Where is the godamn honey!**

This thought was in fact, _significantly_ more emotional. In fact, Eren was pretty sure that for every emotion he was able to name, there were a dozen others he couldn't put words to. At the forefront was frustration, but it only hid the deeper sadness, the immense exhaustion, and the intense fear that cursed through his soulmate. But all of this, over honey? The two didn't seem to match.

As soon as the sensations began to drift away, lifting the fog from his mind, he was able to spring to action. For the first time, he felt a strong compulsion to head one direction over the other and gave in to it. Only a moment later he felt something hard run into his chest, followed by a loud squeal and the clattering of metal on stone.

"I'm so sorry!" the shriek left his traitorous mouth before he had a chance to stop it. He scrambled to help the young woman to her feet. Her hair was a light chestnut, her eyes a deep green. She was stunning.

"Thank you Eren, it was my fault though. Oh god I was trying not to spill my tea so I was looking at it instead of looking where I was going. Are you – does it - did it, I mean, you're covered in my tea and it was scalding hot – aren't you in pain?" the last sentence stumbled out her mouth in a hurry, and it took Eren another few breaths to register what she had said. A moment later he looked at the state of his clothing – he was definitely covered in something liquid. Focusing on his body, he realized that yes, it was certainly an unpleasant sensation. But in pain? No, Eren could say that he wasn't processing any pain. Every sensation and thought in his mind had come to a screeching halt the second they collided, and the brunette was convinced that this girl was either A. his soulmate, or B. A very important step towards them. Nothing else seemed to matter.

Realizing it had been an uncomfortably long time since she'd asked the question, he finally forced out an answer. "Uh, kinda? Not too bad, I heal quickly." Smooth Jaeger, as if you weren't already a freak, now everyone thinks you have magical healing powers. Fucking wonderful.

She just stared down at her feet for a moment before a small giggle left her mouth. As soon as she made eye contact with Eren, it erupted into a full blown chuckle. "I'm glad Eren. Sorry again about your clothes." She cleaned up her mess and turned to walk away. Refusing to allow their interaction to end short, he followed her back to towards the kitchen.

"Hey um, I'm sorry but, you seem to know my name and somehow I don't know yours." A light blush formed over her cheeks. Someone it made her even more beautiful.

"Of course I know your name, you're a legend in the scouts! I'm Cora. Just switched units last week from the Garrison." She poured herself more tea as she spoke. "I wanted a new challenge, and my commander supported it so he pulled some strings and next thing I knew I had my leaving papers."

Eren had tried to listen to her. Of course he had meant to! But as soon as he saw her finish pouring the tea start to look around the counter, only one thought was in his mind.

_'Honey…'_

"Well hello Cora, nice to meet you. What are you looking for?" Subtlety was not Eren's strong suit, better just to rush forward with the first thought in his mind.

"Well, I usually like to take honey in my tea, but I don't see any. Do you know if they have it here?" she looked at him, waiting patiently.

Fortunately, Eren did know. "Not really, it's a luxury out here. We had a few bottles a couple months back, but I think we've been out for a while. I had one of my own that Captain Hanji set aside to help me down some of the tonics she has to give me (it was a half truth, Hanji had set is aside for him, but he'd used it for a lot more than just taking medicine) but it ran out about a month ago. Doubt anyone else has any left either."

Whatever response she gave him was lost on Eren. His mind swirled with the words that had just been spoken – words that he had spoken.

_'it ran out a month ago, doubt anyone else has any left…'_

Whoever his soulmate was, they had just come to find themselves out of honey tonight. That meant they must also have had a private jar, and were much more frugal with it than Eren was. But who would have been able to get a hold of a honey jar? He realized it could only be a thief or someone important. He wasn't sure which one he hoped was true. By the time he pulled out of his thoughts he found himself standing alone by the kitchen, Cora long gone with her honey-less tea. It was just as well, she had been kind and beautiful, but he was certain now that she was just brought to him to help forcefully jumble his thoughts into alignment.

The teen went straight to his room, a calm sensation flooding over him. He was close, and the options were being narrowed more every day.


	4. A Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references ACWNR, so if you haven't watched the ovas, I highly recommend you do.

**June 13th, 853**

The expedition had been underway for a week when the weather turned. Erwin had been quick to find a small cluster of trees suitable for them to take shelter. The tents were arranged in tight concentric circles in the middle of the makeshift camp. Outside them lied the medic station, the stables, the kitchen (if you could call it that) and all the other necessities. Eren's tent was in the innermost circle, his fellow captains on both sides. They all surrounded the central hearth and the most important tent of all - Commander Erwin's. His tent was much larger than the others, but it served as more than just sleeping quarters. Plans were laid out and discussed on his table, strategies determined. It was the center of operations for the entire expedition, so logically, it was in the center of the camp. Eren couldn't help but fill a bit guilty in finding himself in the same circle as the Commander. He certainly didn't believe he belonged there.

It was just past 2 in the morning when Eren sat upright with a jolt. After ensuring it was just the thunder from the storm outside, he rolled to his side and tried to fall back asleep. Ten minutes later, he found himself still awake. He knew that he needed his sleep or the next day would be miserable, but he couldn't shake the sense of urgency that plagued him. Accepting defeat, he decided to take a walk to clear his mind. His hands flailed about the floor, attempting to find the lantern he knew was there. Finally, his palm landed on something metal, and he did his best to light it despite his inability to see in the dark and the fogginess that still filled his barely conscious mind. After several failed attempts, the flame flickered into life. He lifted his arm to light his way towards the tent flap but something flashed in the corner of his eye and left him frozen in place.

**Isabel**

The lantern fell with a crash as he grabbed at his chest as it seized and cramped. He wanted to call out to the others near by, but his words never came. Instead his mind was clouded with despair – not sadness, not unhappiness, but true debilitating despair. The only other moment in his life he could relate this to was when he witnessed his mother's death. The thought was too much to bear when added to the foreign emotions pouring over him and he quickly banished it. He stayed on the floor and waited until the thoughts calmed enough for his breath to regain an even pattern. Pushing himself up, he knew this was too strong of a thought to dismiss.

_'I have to get to Hanji, she'll know what to do.'_

He grabbed the now dented lantern and stumbled out of his tent, onto the soft wet ground beyond. It was far from a convenient time, but he knew this might be the final clue he needed, and that mattered more than any storm outside. Doing his best to shield himself from the onslaught of rain, he stumbled toward the flap to the command tent once he noticed light coming from inside. Hanji had been up late with Erwin and Levi most nights, and he hoped to find her there. Once his hood fell from his eyes, he realized his mistake. Hanji was not in the command tent – instead he found Erwin, seated alone, reading over a map.

"Sir!" even in his disheveled state, Eren's right arm was pulled tightly across his chest in a proper salute.

"Relax Eren." Erwin's voice was filled with concern - apparently Eren hadn't done enough to hide his condition. "What are you doing wandering about at this hour, in this weather." Erwin gestured to the seat across from him - it wasn't a command, but Eren felt obligated to take it.

"I uh, was looking for Hanji Sir. I wanted to talk to her about, well um..." his gaze dropped to the floor, a slight blush covering his cheeks and tinging the tips of his ears. His right hand snaked into the back of his head, kneading at the skin there in an attempt to calm his nerves. As if it wasn't embarrassing enough that he was going to Hanji to get advice on how to handle the foreign emotions no one ever told him about, now he was going to have to explain them to Erwin - Commander Erwin.

He lifted his gaze to meet Erwin's, but was surprised to find the Commander looking back at him with a soft, neutral expression. He was being far too patient with Eren - his compassion made him uncomfortable. A soft sigh escaped his lips as his gaze fell to his hands in his lap.

"I wanted to ask Hanji about soulmates again, Sir. It seems that mine is a bit, er - unconventional." he paused to check Erwin's response. The same calm expression was there, only now there was something else - intrigue, maybe. At least he wasn't laughing at him or blowing it off. Eren took it as a sign to continue.

"I've only gotten four thoughts from them over the last 3 months, and I still don't know who it is. But the worst part is that when I read the words, I'm instantly overcome with emotions - their emotions, I think. And they're so overpowering, it leaves me completely disabled. Whoever they are Sir, I think... well, I think they're in a lot of pain."

Erwin's brow tightened, drawing his large eyebrows together in thought. "Well, what do you know based on the few thoughts you've been given?"

Eren couldn't believe this conversation was happening. How could someone as important as Erwin have time for this, for him and his stupid soulmate? He did his best to bring Erwin up to speed on the first three thoughts he'd received and the conclusions he'd drawn. He wasn't sure why, but the more he explained, the more concerned Erwin's features grew. Eren was sure that concern wasn't for him though, something in Erwin's expression told him as much. The only logical explanation was one that Eren had never even considered until this moment.

"So then, tonight, I got a new thought. And this one was by far the most powerful - the most painful. Sir, it was a name. Commander, I uh, well. I want to tell it to you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you're going to know the answer once I do, and I don't want to be a burden. I uh, what I mean is that, Sir, if it's you, I don't want you to feel obligated to anything. You're the Commander of the Survey Core, and I'm just a titan shifting soldier. I would never expect anything to come of it."

Erwin's face relaxed, a smile danced across his eyes but never reached his face.

"I'm not your soulmate Eren, of that I am certain. I had words once, many years ago. They were here," his left hand lazily graced his left rib cage in a vertical pattern, "but one day after an expedition they were gone. I knew, of course, which scout it was. I was only a captain then and had I allowed it to, I could have married the girl and acknowledged the bond. But I chose instead to focus on the mission. I never knew what losing her that day would feel like. I had taken it for granted - the ease I felt in her presence, even if I had refused to acknowledge our bond publicly I had allowed myself to be close to her when I knew no other would notice. So no, I'm not your soulmate." He sighed heavily, lost in his memories.

"But I'm afraid I know who is. So then tell me, if you want to that is, the name."

Eren considered his words carefully. He was _afraid_ he knew who it was. Up until this moment, Eren had not considered if knowing who it was could be a bad thing. Everyone he knew wanted to meet theirs, to be with them. After hearing Erwin speak, he realized that some might choose not to. Maybe his soulmate simply didn't want to be found, had intentionally avoided thinking in a way that connected to Eren. It would be disappointing if that were the case, but never knowing would be worse.

"Isabel, Sir."

The expression on Erwin's face changed only slightly. In that moment, whatever hesitation he had was gone. All that was left was the heaviness of carrying knowledge he never wanted to have.

"Ah, yes. As I feared then."

Before Eren allowed himself to ask Erwin the obvious question, an alarm sounded in the distance. The teen ran out without a second thought and headed to gather his equipment. By the time he got on his gear and made it to the clearing on the far side of the camp, there were already a group of Scouts bodies littered across the grass. There were very few trees in site, and the rain and darkness only added to the increasing list of things that were not in their favor, but he did his best to push past and follow the sounds of the screams.

He was able to take out two 3 meter class titans before a large 6 meter class caught his attention. The bodies around this one alone outnumbered all those he had seen before, and it moved with deft strokes of its arms, a terrifying precision to its movements. There was no doubt in Eren's mind that this was a deviant - a very dangerous one at that - and standing in front of it was a terrified young soldier.

Before he had time to consciously take in the scene unfolding before him, his body was already flying forwards towards the young scout, immediately recognizing her as the same one that had been used as bait in the course exercise. Eren shot a grappling hook into the Titan's collarbone, putting himself directly between the monster the the young woman. His blade was drawn and the sickening sound of steel meeting bone confirmed he had hit his target. The titan let out an inhumane scream, catching Eren off guard and sending him off course. He shot his other cable to the monster's shoulder, allowing him to come around in a circle and toward the creatures nape in a last effort to right himself. Just feet from his target he felt his body come to a crashing halt as his harness tightened about his chest, knocking the wind from him. Time seemed to slow as he felt himself being flung across the air by his wires. He allowed himself a quick glance toward the the scout to find she was no where in site. He hoped that meant she'd been able to escape, that his sacrifice had been worth something, but he knew it was likely not the case. He felt the familiar pang of a thought forming on his arm and cursed his unlucky timing. The words had barely formed before his body stopped again, this time as he felt something grip his left arm. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. Instead he heard only the agonizing rip of flesh and bone and watched in horror as his body continued to move, one less limb than he had moments before. He watched as his arm was flung away, the thoughts **Don't die you idiot!** carefully imprinted on it. In that moment, he had only one thought.

_'Protect the others!'_

By the time his feet hit the ground they were no longer his own, but those of the Titan form he had taken. The world was hazy outside that one thought, the driving force in his mind, cycling on repeat over and over again.

_'Protect the others!'_

And then he was off, running wildly toward the Deviant, prepared to rip it apart limb by limb with his remaining arm. The struggle was quick, a few blows later and he'd managed to rip off both arms and the better part of the others face, only receiving a gash across his own head in the process. He was prepared to deal the final blow, but before the opportunity arose he saw a flash of silver and then an explosion of steam. Mikasa flew by then, blades covered in blood, already heading towards the next target. Turning to face her direction he found himself facing not one titan, but an entire hoard. It seemed the scream from before had summoned another group, much like Annie had done.

_'Protect the others!'_

It was obvious that his team wouldn't be able to fend off that many, but they also wouldn't have time to retreat and the level ground did them no favors. He charged forward then, attempting to take out as many as possible to give the team time, no thoughts left for his own well being. He had taken out three or four before he found himself overwhelmed by the numbers. Before he knew it he was face down on the ground, a different titan gnawing on each remaining limb, while another three pinned down his torso. He remembered back to when Annie had allowed the others to devour her titan form as a means of escape. He had no idea how she'd managed to escape, but he thought it was unlikely he'd have the same luck. Just before he accepted his fate, he felt the familiar sensation of the nape behind him being cut open, and he threw himself into the cold air. There was no scout in site, but he knew the others must have been fighting somewhere around him and worked to free him. He stumbled out, finding both of his arms intact, his body fully restored but in desperate need of rest.

He managed to run to a small cluster of trees, dodging the corpses around him. Without his gear he was useless, the best he could do now was to get out of the way before he collapsed from exhaustion. The brunette dove into the low brush and did his best to cover himself before he felt the icy grip of unconsciousness creeping in. He could hear screams and see the steam rising from the clearing, he smelled the carnage of the ambush, but knew he could do nothing. Eren's head fell to the side, allowing him to glance to his now reformed arm, only to find another thought written there.

**Where are you brat!**

Had he not already been on the brink of passing out, the emotions would have overwhelmed him. Fear, concern, and something else. Something much more _intimate_. He was relieved to have his answer, but it was overshadowed by the events unfolding around him. There was no time to think about it too deeply, his own fears and thoughts overwhelming what remained of his conscious mind.

_'What if there were too many to defeat?'_

_'What if they're looking for me instead of escaping?'_

The trees around him dimmed and the sounds became muffled. He hoped no stayed behind to find him if it meant putting themselves in danger, he couldn't live knowing they had died for him. Knowing that his soulmate had died for him, just moments after realizing who he was.

_'There are too many, I'm not worth the risk. Don't come.'_

He hoped the message was received, but it was unlikely it would be heeded. He was conflicted - of course he wanted a soulmate and Levi was someone he trusted and respected (it even bordered on an unhealthy worship if you asked some), but he didn't think he deserved someone like the Captain as a soulmate. The brunette was already thrust upon the man years before as a liability - finding out he was his soulmate only added weight to the load. He was Humanities's Strongest, Eren was a monster - he had no right to claim him as his own.

_'I don't want to be your burden.'_

A tear ran down his face, cold against his burning skin. He wasn't sure how long he lied there fighting the urge to rest, but he felt certain that he could not let go - not yet. In the back of his mind he knew that it wasn't what the Captain wanted. His intuition was validated seconds later, a warmth spreading from his arm. It was too late though, he'd done his best but he couldn't keep it up. He just hoped the Captain knew that he had tried.

**Don't you dare give up on me.**

In the last waking moment he felt two firm arms grip his waste as everything went dark.


	5. A Glimmer

**June 26th, 853**

It was night when Eren first regained consciousness. The white light he had been surrounded by had gradually dimmed, and it took him a long time to realize that he was opening his eyes, blinking back the brightness of his unconscious mind as he adjusted to the dimly lit castle. He'd been submerged in the deep waters of his thoughts, and emerging was an unwelcome change. He missed the calm and stillness he'd found in sleep - the peace. He knew that this world, the waking world, held none.

Eventually he gave in and started to test his motor skills - wiggling his fingers and toes, rotating his wrists and ankles as they flexed and curled. The movement was laborious, and he decided he was too tired to do more. Just as he was about to allow himself to return to sleep, a dark figure caught the corner of his eye.

'Levi...'

The tears came then, the memories flooding over him, threatening to drown him with the weight of the knowledge that Levi was fated to him. He fought against his bodies complaints and lifted his left arm towards the sleeping man. His finger tips ghosted across the pale forehead, pushing the inky strands aside. He let his hand move down past his temple, across his cheek, finally resting to cup his chin. Levi was here - it was all that mattered to him in that moment. A sob threatened to escape him then, but no sound ever came to accompany the motion. His body was trembling them, the whimpers racking through his chest. Before he could register it, a strong hand gripped his wrist - it seemed the violent shaking had caused his partner to stir.

"Bout time you decided to join us, Yeager." his voice was soft and heavy with sleep. Eren was certain he wouldn't have used that tone around anyone else.

The tears only increased then, streaming down Eren's face. He wanted to say something - tell Levi how he felt, ask about the others - but he couldn't find any words. The only thing he was certain of was Levi, so he stayed there silently moving his fingers up and down the side of the older man's face, convincing himself he was real.

Moments passed like that, Eren crying silent tears, caressing Levi's face while the Raven sat there, confusion written across his features.

Levi sighed, breaking the silence. "Eren?" it was barely a whisper, dripping with concern.

The teen stopped his motions then, pulling his hand back to his lap. He looked away, unable to hold the Captain's gaze, too overwhelmed by the liquid silver pools staring at him.

"How long?" his voice cracked from lack of use. It sounded foreign to his ears.

"Two weeks Eren. We were starting to think..." he stopped then, holding back the last words. Levi refused to be weak, especially in front of Eren. "The others will want to know you're awake. I'll go get them." He stood to leave, but found the younger man's hand had returned to grip at his wrist.

"Please, just stay. I- I'm not ready yet. Captain, I'm so- so tired. Please don't leave me. I just want to rest with you here." He knew it was selfish to keep Levi from his duties, to request he stay beside him in the uncomfortable wooden chair, to let the others worry any longer than necessary. He just needed a few more hours of peace before he had to face reality.

"Okay brat." He sat back down then, kicking his feet up to the small stool beside the bed. He moved to touch Eren, running a hand through his tousled locks. The teen removed his hand from the older man's wrist, and gently laid it on his thigh. He let his eyes close then, and felt the familiar comfort of sleep overtake him.

* * *

"Oi, shitty brat, time to get up. You have visitors."

The Levi from the night was gone, Captain Levi returned in his place. Any fondness he'd shown was replaced with the cold indifference and stoicism he was famed for. It was clear to Eren that any moment of weakness he'd shown in the middle of the night had been just that - a moment. Nothing of this Levi suggested that their bond as soulmates would be pursued romantically. At best he could hope to have a platonic relationship with the man, taking the comfort that being around him allowed.

The rest of the morning was a blur of activity - Hanji ran tests, Jean and Mikasa came by to fill him in on the events of that night, Armin answered any questions that no one else bothered to. Even the young female scout - he'd finally learned her name was Tina - came to thank him for the role he played in saving her. The only person that didn't make an appearance was Levi, but Eren hadn't expected anything else. The man was busy and had already given up his time to keep an eye on the titan-shifter as he recovered. Now that he was awake, he assumed Levi was happy to rid himself of the responsibility to look over him.

It was late afternoon when the others finally left, leaving Eren alone with Mikasa and Armin.

"Alright Eren, I know that you're probably exhausted and overwhelmed, but I have to ask - when did you find out it was short stuff?" Her lips curved up in a small smirk - Armin groaned beside her and covered his now flushed face.

"Uh, well, I probably should have figured it out sooner. But if I'm being honest, it wasn't until the night of the ambush..." he fiddled with his hands in his lap, worried where this conversation was going.

"Oh good." A sigh of relief left her lips then, "So then you haven't pursued anything yet? I mean, there hasn't been any time for him to try something then, right? He's the Captain Eren, and he's so much older than you. I'm sure you've heard his reputation as a lover too, Eren. They say he has a thing for fresh recruits and I just want to make sure that he isn't pressuring you to-"

"ENOUGH MIKASA!" If he wasn't uncomfortable before, he was 100% mortified now. He'd barely been awake for 18 hours and he was not ready for this half assed sex talk coming from his adopted sister who was herself, probably sleeping with horseface. Everything about the situation was just wrong.

"Nothing has, or is going to, happen. Like you said, he's the Captain - he would never be interested in pursing a-a _relationship_ with me. The best I can hope for is his companionship." He looked away then, the events of the day and his own insecurities were too much now, and he wanted desperately for his friends to leave him in peace.

"We should go Mikasa, Eren's had a long day." Armin was a mind reading saint - Eren had never appreciated him more than in this moment.

"Fine, I'll see you tomorrow Eren - don't forget what I said though. Night Armin." She rose and left then, leaving the two teens.

"I'll leave you to it then, but before I go, I have something for you." The blonde reached under the bed then and pulled out a small leather bound book. Eren realized he must have hidden it there earlier - for being such a well mannered soldier, Armin had a sneaky side.

"Here, I hope this isn't weird, I just thought you'd want to know. You deserve the truth Eren." There was a sad smile on his face, a slight blush creeping onto the tips of his ears.

The brunette opened the book, realizing quickly it was more of a journal. He turned the pages, finding a single sentence written across each.

**Why would you think you were a burden?**

**Why didn't you tell me sooner?**

**How did I miss the signs?**

**How long?**

**You deserved better.**

**You can't die, I finally found you.**

**I don't want to be alone anymore.**

He turned back to face Armin then, but the question died on his lips when he found himself alone in the room. He knew the answer without asking anyway - it was clear that these thoughts had shown themselves on his arm during the time he was unresponsive, and Armin had known him well enough to record them for him. He'd have to thank him properly when he was fully recovered.

He blew out the last candle and pulled the blanket over himself, hugging the notebook to his chest. They'd need to talk of course, but any doubts he had now had melted away. Even if he was the same calloused leader in public, it was clear he cared for Eren, even if he was only able to show it in private. 

When Levi had peaked into the room a few hours later, he found him with a smile still plastered across his face, words glowing on his skin.

**I'm glad it's you.**


	6. Pain (Levi)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's World
> 
> Tiny Captain has a soft spot in my heart.

** March 30th, 853 **

The gnawing feeling in the back of his mind refused to be silenced, demanded he do _something,_ _anything_. It forced him to move, even when his body wanted nothing more than to sleep.

_'What could I have forgotten to do?_

_Was I supposed to meet with Shitty-glasses sometime today?_

_Did I get that report to Erwin?_

_Shitty shit shit._

_Why can't I find the source of this damn anxiety that's clawing its way up my back.?'_

Levi decided that retracing his steps was the only option. By roughly 3 in the morning he had retraced them all twice and was heading back to his quarters when he heard a faint rustling come from the adjacent stables. Levi didn't believe in fate, but maybe this was what he was supposed to find.

Without giving it a second thought he turned back and entered the stable. He immediately wished he hadn't.

"Oh shit! Ca-a-a, captain Levi! Sir!" the young male scouts voice was filled with terror. Rightly so, since he was currently standing stark naked, a small female scout hiding her face behind him.

"Are you two shitty brats seriously fucking in the goddamn horse stables. Do you not know what the fucking horses do in here? You are literally fucking in shit. And now I've seen you naked, fucking in shit." His voice was hard and short. He knew he'd made his point when the young girl started crying in response.

"Get dressed and go back to your rooms, horny little assholes." He turned to leave, giving them the chance to cover themselves up and retreat. Maybe he had been a bit too harsh but seriously, sex in the stables. How could they get past the smell, and the filth, and the shit. Literally horse shit right next to them. And he had seen it all, both of them naked on the hay, fucking next to shit.

_'How disgusting.'_

If Levi was honest with himself, he would have admitted that a small part of him was jealous that these shitty brats were getting laid and he barely even had time for a proper wank. He pushed the thought away quickly.

* * *

** April 7th, 853 **

"Hanji this is serious dammit! I can't sleep, I've lost my appetite, I can barely keep my focus on the scouts when I'm training them. Whatever this is, I can't keep doing it – it's been over a week. Just give me one of your herbal potion things! I don't care which one, as long as it doesn't taste like shit and makes whatever is happening stop." Levi was a wreck. This week had been utter Hell. He tried his best to get through it, to avoid involving anyone else. Levi was independent - the last thing he wanted to do was admit that he might need help, especially from Hanji. But today had been too much, so he finally caved and turned to the resident witch doctor in desperation.

"Alright tiny captain, I'll do my best. I need more information from you though, would you say that –"

"Captain Hanji! Captain Hanji, come quick! Yeager squad is about to finish your course!" Moblit came running, throwing himself into the very private conversation currently taking place in the tent.

"What! Why didn't anyone tell me they were attempting it sooner. This is brilliant!" Hanji had a look in her eyes, the one where she looked like had cornered her prey and was ready to _pounce._

"Tch. Hey shitty glasses, we're in the middle of something here!" Levi could not believe the audacity of these two. He was ill, he had let down his defenses and asked for help, and now they were going to leave him here, no step closer to a solution.

"Oh, right! Levi, I'll come by your quarters later and we can pick this back up then, but I have to go. This is in the name of science!" Hanji was out of the tent before he could respond.

 _'Tch, no point waiting around here, Four Eyes is going to spend the rest of the day looking at her course and coming up with new horrors to add.'_ He slipped out the tent and walked the same familiar path to his quarters. He could he cheering in the distance but chose to ignore it - if Yeager squad had actually gotten through that death trap alive he'd hear all about it tomorrow.

He finally eased as his door came into sight. Levi's quarters weren't anything special - same regulation bed as the others, same uniform and supplies. He did have a desk, but that was a matter of paperwork, not luxury. It was a bit more spacious than the others, but its best attribute was the location. It was far off in a corner, far from any other private rooms and even farther from the barracks. It was isolated, just like Levi liked it.

He let himself fall onto the bed, a deep sigh escaping his mouth. Levi prided himself on his strength, his ability to withstand pain. He had broken more bones than he could remember, suffered more injuries than most other scouts fighting the titans. Despite all the cuts and bruises, the gashes and breaks, he never once, not once, asked for more medical attention that was necessary. He got it taken care of and went back into the fight - that was what a true soldier did.

But this, this _pain_ \- if you could call it that - was unrelenting. He couldn't sleep, barely had an appetite, and was unable to focus on anything other than the damn pain, the desperate _need_ that swelled inside him. The damn need that clawed at him, constantly screaming "Do something!". The only problem was, he didn't know what that need was or how to meet it. He'd done his best to figure it out but the more he struggled to understand, the less he seemed to be sure of. This sickness, whatever it was, was not something that he - or anyone else he'd asked for that matter - had ever come across. Maybe that was why he'd been so frustrated that Hanji had run off as if this was just a damn common cold and Levi was a giant sniffling baby. It was agony, and for the first time in his life, Levi wasn't sure if he would be strong enough to survive.

He let his arm fall across his face, shielding his eyes from the few rays of sun still finding their way into his room. _'I might be dying and she runs off to congratulate those brats on finishing a damn obstacle course. Useless idiot.'_

* * *

** May 10th, 853 **

"Horse piss!" Levi scowled at Hanji, liquid dribbling down his chin and onto the floor. Liquid he had spit out just a moment before.

If any of the scouts could see Captain Levi, Humanities's Strongest, in his current state, they would likely not live to tell about it. Levi liked things clean - growing up in filth made one appreciate it all that much more. His shirt was never undone, his hair always perfect brushed. The man never even went a day without shaving. At least, not until a few weeks prior. In that time he had been reduced to his current state. He sat in an over sized gray sweatshirt and simple black pants. His gear was nowhere to be found, thrown aside in a fit of rage a week before during training at his inability to focus long enough to use it properly - he had been too damn proud to return and get it. His usually pristine face was covered in a light stubble of hair, and the neat undercut he usually kept had become overgrown and ragged. Sleep deprivation and constant migraines had all but left him disabled. Levi was completely and utterly disheveled, and Hanji had just given him something to drink under the very false pretense it was "a type of tea".

"What the hell Hanji, this is disgusting. I asked you to give me something to help me sleep not poison me." Levi's fury was matched only by Hanji's amusement - a wide smile across her face.

"Oh my dear Captain, must you be so dramatic about everything. I didn't say it was delicious, but that baby will help you sleep and at this point, it will be in the best interest of all of us if you weren't such a crabby little pain in the ass." Levi opened his mouth to protest but quickly shut it as Erwin approached.

"Levi, Hanji's right. You've clearly been struggling these past few weeks. Whatever is wrong you need to figure it out and deal with it so you can do your damn job. You're our strongest soldier, and we need you on top of your shit. I need you. So please, do whatever you need to do to get past this. Try the tea, if it's really horse piss then put some honey in it and move on." Erwin's tone was light, friendly even, but he made a point not to dance around the facts - whatever sickness was plaguing Levi, it was starting to affect everyone around him as well. If he didn't get it under control soon, Erwin would have to make alternative plans for the upcoming expedition - ones that did not include Levi.

"Tch, fine. Four Eyes, let me try some damn honey. At least it will be sweet horse piss." Levi could make this work - would make this work. He had no choice.

"I'm afraid I'm all out as of last week. You'll have to get some from your own personal stash. You do have some left, don't you?" Levi rose and left without so much as a goodbye, making sure not to spill the horrible concicsion in his cup.

When he finally reached his quarters, he threw the door shut and began searching for his honey jar. It had been quite some time since he'd used any, only taking the jar after Erwin had personally given it to him - Levi was not one to act on the perks of being Captain unless persuaded by others. He looked in his foot chest but found nothing but extra uniforms. A quick scan of all the other usual places also turned up nothing. He felt a ball grow in his throat, his chest tightening. He felt his anxiety wash over him but fought against it - not today. Today, he had a solution, a bright spot on the horizon. The tea would help him sleep and he'd finally be able to get back to normal. Just one thing stood in his way.

_'Where is the godamn honey! I know it must be here. I can't give up until I find it.'_

An hour later, he fell to the floor in a heap, knees pulled to his chest. His breath came in ragged gasps, his clothes clung to him as a fine sheet of sweat covered his body. Before his mind registered the action, he felt wet streaks running down his face, heard small soft sobs coming from his mouth. He refused to acknowledge that they were coming from him, that he'd been reduced to a crying gasping mess on the floor. He thought about the scouts, his squad - about Hanji and Erwin. Everyone was depending on him, on Captain Levi, to lead the next expedition. _Counting_ on him to save Humanity. He was letting them all down, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He rose when his sobs finally ended, his breathing even and calm once again - twenty, maybe thirty minutes after his meltdown first began. It had been the second time Levi ever allowed himself that kind of release - the first time, well, he didn't like to think about that much. He lifted the cup filled with now cold liquid and downed it. Honey or not, he would find a way to move on. He wasn't going to give up that easily.


	7. Understanding (Levi)

**June 13th, 853**

A bolt of white fire crashed down from the sky just yards away, illuminating the forest around him. There was now a female titan standing where it had made contact – eyes set on the tiny human before it. The eyes were dull but they held something – murderous intent with a hint of mischief. There was no doubt this was a deviant, and Levi knew he had to act first and think later.

His launch was clean, his slice the definition of precision – the entire moment only lasted a second and then it was done. The captain's feet hit the ground first, the titan crashing down behind him just after, its head landing beside it.

Something told the captain to walk away, not to look back. But he couldn't listen, he wanted the satisfaction of seeing his kill. When he glanced over his should he didn't find the steaming body of a dead titan. Instead he saw the lifeless body of a young woman, and his world came crashing down around him.

_'Isabel.'_

Dark eyes flew open, his breathing hitched, heart rate accelerated. Every one of his senses was on edge, adrenaline pumping through his veins, ready and waiting to react at the drop of pin. Years of training ensured none of this was obvious from the outside, of course, and he allowed himself to stay that way, silently taking in his settings until the disorientation lessened. The dark haired man made a mental list of all the things he was certain of:

1\. He was a captain in the Survey Corps.

2\. He was lying alone in a Survey Corps tent.

3\. It was dark out - likely early morning.

4\. There was a strong storm raging outside.

5\. Isabel had been dead for years.

6\. He was not the one that killed her.

He went through the list in his mind multiple times, looking for any indication that he was still dreaming. When he found none, he allowed himself to relax, the dream (no not a dream, a damn nightmare, although he wouldn't admit that) was slowly fading into the past. When he was sure his body would not betray his emotions, he allowed himself to sit upright, lighting his lantern. He knew all too well that he would be unable to fall back asleep without another incident - the dreams would be waiting to deceive him the moment he slipped back into unconsciousness.

_'Might as well meet with Erwin to go over the days strategy - he's most likely awake anyway, damn vampire."_

He dressed quickly, his blades secured on his hips - only an idiot would venture around out here unarmed - and was out of the tent and walking towards Erwin's only a moment later. The only sounds was the rushing of the winds and chatter of the rain as it poured down around him. He was just inches away from the commanders tent, arm outstretched towards the dry warmth inside when a familiar voice left him frozen in his tracks. It took his mind half a second to catch up with the words leaving the tent, and he only caught the end of a thought

"...in a lot of pain." The captain stayed frozen in his tracks - Eren was in pain, and he had gone to Erwin to discuss it. For a moment the wind and rain around him lowered to a dull roar, over powered by the sound of blood pumping through his ears. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut, only worse. Why did Levi give a shit if the damn brat went to Erwin? He was still responsible for him of course, but the the kid had grown up, had his own squad now. He wasn't Levi's equal, but he wasn't his subordinate anymore either. Levi had no right to feel betrayed that Eren had entrusted his concerns to Erwin instead of him - Erwin was the Commander, if Eren was in enough pain that he felt the need to tell him, it must have been terrible. The shorter man would never say it out loud, but the kid was one of the strongest people he had ever met. He had endured for years in silent pain - the beating, the pressure, the experiments, the fighting. Eren was a little shit, but he was a tough little shit. This had to be more than just Eren being in pain. If he had gone to Erwin, chances were that he was fearful this pain would cause him to hurt others, to hurt his team. Levi decided to leave him to it - he had earned his privacy if nothing else.

The sound of hooves crushing damp earth was a familiar and somehow comforting one. His had traced the mane of each horse as he passed until it landed on the familiar silver colored neck he had brushed so many times before. "Hey Grey." His voice was soft, a fondness in it he never dared share with another human. Grey was his constant companion these past two years, and he had every trait Levi admired. He was strong, brave, and quiet. If Levi had found that combination in another human, he'd consider sharing that fondness with them. In the meant time, Grey was the only recipient of it. He spent a few moments brushing his mane, changing out his water. There were soldiers assigned to the tasks, but they never did a job that left him satisfied. Grey deserved the best, and it seemed only he was able to meet those standards. He was about to clean his hooves when the all too familiar scream of the alarm sounded in the distance.

_'Shit, that's coming from clear across the damn camp. There better be some left for me by the time I get there.'_

"Alright boy, time to take out some Titans." He had unhitched the horse and mounted in one swift movement, racing towards the sirens before most others had even left their tents.

The wind and rain left him deft and blind, the blaring sirens his only guide. He heard the screams before he saw anything - human voices mingling with inhumane ones. It was obvious that the only other scouts already there were the unlucky few who had been on night guard. A quick scan confirmed his fears - they were all new members, this likely their first expedition. With no trees around to use the ODM gear, an unrelenting storm cutting off visibility, and what Levi estimated to be roughly 10-15 titans barreling towards them, the odds were very much _not_ in their favor. The few that lived would be traumatized at best - completely useless at worst. As it were now, they were more a nuisance than a help, and getting them out of the way would be his first responsibility.

"Oi, shitheads, fall back! Get back to the camp and let the more senior Scouts handle this. Tend to the wounded if you can, but getting your ass back to safety is your number one priority. That is an order!" To emphasize his point he shot an anchor from his hip into the shoulder of the nearest Titan and used it to leverage himself up off of Grey and directly at the nape. One cut later, the monster fell to the group in a cloud of smoke, inches away from three young scouts. By the time Levi had swung back down and landed on his stead, the trio had already started sprinting back to safety.

The pattern continued, the captain taking out whatever titan he encountered while simultaneously saving the young scouts nearby. He had to give them credit - those that were still standing had been brave. In his mind, they'd done their job and held them back from camp - they had earned the right to retreat.

As he pulled his blade from his fourth kill, he noticed a 3 meter Titan fall in the distance - smoke rose around it, signalling its death. Either a pack of the brats had gotten lucky, or another experienced soldier was out in this shit storm as well. Just as he was about to head in for a closer look a piercing scream shook him to his core. The captain maintained his composure - he refused to allow these beasts to throw him off his game - but the sound was so eerily _familiar,_ and it left him uneasy. The last time a titan had screamed like that had been when the Female Titan, when _Annie_ , had done so. If this was anything like that, then he had one hell of a fight ahead of him.

Heels pressed into the silver horse's sides, sending the pair off toward the source of the disturbance. As the figures came into focus, it became apparent that this titan was not alone - a young female scout stood frozen before it. Levi's heart sank - there wasn't enough time. No matter what he did, the titan would get to the girl before he got to it. He'd have to let her be taken, and hope that he was able to cut it down before it took her life. He drew his sword, preparing to launch when a flash of light caught his eye. Just above the head of the 6 meter was a soldier, blades drawn, barreling straight for the nape. The creature lifted his right arm faster than the captain thought possible, gripping the scout's wires in one swift movement. This was clearly deviant behavior - no regular titan would have been able to execute such a move. The soldier came to a heart wrenching stop, only to be thrown roughly in the opposite direction. Levi took the opportunity to scoop up the blonde as the titan was distracted with the other Scout. Grey made a sharp turn, and suddenly the three were running off away from the deviant towards the safety of camp. Levi did his best to focus on the girl in front of him, but his thoughts never left the soldier behind him. He knew better than to look back, but something compelled him. His head turned back, just for a moment, only to see the hood fall from the scouts head, tousled brown locks pouring out, piercing green eyes staring everywhere and nowhere at once. Thin arms and legs trailed behind the slumped male figure, and Levi's breath caught in his throat.

_'Eren, don't die you idiot!'_

And then the scene before him took a turn for the worse as he watched the deviant lift his other arm to grab for the brunette. The motion was even quicker than the first: it seemed to miss its target, but damage had still been done. He watched in horror as Eren's body continued to fly off in the original direction, as his arm remained clutched in the beats hand. If the kid wasn't dead, the damage would likely have been enough to send him over the edge and into a forced transformation. A crack of lightening seconds later confirmed the latter of the two options to be true.

By the time Levi reached camp to drop off the stunned scout, the rest of Yeager's squad and his own were suited up and racing towards the scene. The young woman was thrown into the arms of her waiting comrades, and then Levi the others were gone, headed back to the storm and the fight. Eren's titan had nearly finished off the deviant by the time they arrived. Levi and Mikasa shared a glance and nod before the dark haired woman shot her hook towards the 6 meter took off towards the nape, blades ready. One clean slice was all it took and then she was flipping through the air and off towards another before even touching the ground.

The ground shook beneath their feet, followed seconds later by a loud roar as not one, but an entire hoard came rushing towards them.

_'Dammit, that deviant summoned their lackeys.'_

The captain decided to take control of both squads at this point, knowing they'd all need to work as one unit to make this work. "Oi, everyone split into teams and take them down. We hold the line here, don't let them get back to camp!" Levi knew they wouldn't be able to take them all down, but they could hold them back and give the others time. One look at Eren's titan barreling towards the group confirmed he'd reached the same conclusion.

The two units had managed to take down a handful of titans, but for every one they killed it seemed another came running forward. Levi had done his best to stay focused on the task at hand, but he was keenly aware that Eren was quickly reaching his breaking point. After taking down yet another one (he'd lost count at this point), he allowed himself a glance in Eren's direction. His titan form was surrounded, smaller titans clinging to each limb. He dropped to his knees before crashing face down completely, three others on his back.

"Shit, Yeager! Armin, Jean, come with me. We have to get him out of there before he's eaten!"

The three made a line towards the fallen body. Jean and Armin teamed up to take out the one closest to the nape, giving Levi access to free Eren. They used the titans themselves as anchor points for their maneuvering, hopeful no deviants would be present to grasp at the wires. Levi shot his anchor into a 4 meter and positioned himself to swing just over the nape of Eren's titan. He knew that he wouldn't be able to land and take him out carefully yet, but waiting any longer might cause permanent damage to his body. All he had to do was free him and release the steam, cut down the others that were too close, then come back and get Eren. Deciding his plan was the only option, he swung down and sliced. The cut was clean and shallow - at worst Eren would have a nasty scratch but it would heal quickly. He followed through, coming down to take out the next closest monster. By the time he and the other two scouts had taken out the cluster around him, Eren had disappeared.

"Dammit Eren, what the hell are you thinking!" Levi knew the teen wouldn't hear him, but his frustration had gotten the better of him and he's never been one to hold back what's on his mind. The three searched through the piles of decomposing flesh, but to no avail.

Mikasa, Erwin and Hanji had joined them soon after - the rest of Levi's squad had gone off to finish off the remaining titans.

"Levi, update me on the situation." The tall blonde was off his horse and down on the ground before the sentence finished leaving his lips.

"Yeager is missing, I cut the nape clean but he's no where to be found. I expected him to fall back with the others but no one has seen him."

Erwin's face faltered just for a second, but it was long enough for Levi to catch. The commander grabbed the shorter man by the shoulder and pulled him away from the others. "Levi, I need to speak with you for a moment."

The shorter man shoved the arm off him, refusing to leave the group. "Tch, whatever it is can wait Erwin, we have to find that shitty brat before he passes out and becomes titan chow." Levi wasn't sure why he was being so confrontational, but in the back of his mind he knew it was fear. Fear that Erwin was going to suggest they leave, fear that Eren might be left behind, fear that he might be-

"This is _about_ Eren!" The group went silent, Erwin's shout echoing around them. The Commander wasn't usually so forceful when he spoke to Levi, but something in his tone told the Raven that he should listen to him. "Dammit Levi, you are one of the smartest people I know but lately you've been a complete idiot. Everything that's been happening the past few months, the 'sickness' you've been fighting, it's so obvious now. Pull your head out of your ass and take a minute to really think about it. Don't make excuses, don't try to reason it away, just let yourself experience it and then tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."

The Captain was stunned, momentarily at a loss for words. "What the HELL does any of that have to do with-"

"That is an ORDER, Levi." There was a scowl across his face now, his eyebrows pulled tightly inwards in frustration. This was the Erwin that had found Levi, the one who had allowed his face to be kicked in the mud, the one who had told him he was expected to follow, stone cold in the face of so much death. Levi respected Erwin enough to know he should do as he was told now and ask questions later.

His head fell forward, black fringe falling to cover his eyes. He let out a deep breath, clenching his hands into fists at his sides.

_'I worked so hard to push this to the back of my mind, to fight it. Why would Erwin want me to give in to it now, out here, when Eren is missing! I don't have time for this, I should be looking for him. He's out there, I just, shit -I can feel it. I know he ins't dead, not yet. But he isn't safe either - wait, how the holy fuck do I know that? I have no reason to know that, but I am completely certain that he is out there and he's in danger. As certain as I am that I'm drenched in blood and rain and titan shit.'_

Whatever remaining walls Levi had built came crashing down then, and he welcomed the flood of heat and emotions that poured over him. He was going to fucking drown in his thoughts, they were so overwhelming but it felt so right.

_'Fuck, what is this? I- I can feel how angry he was, how desperate. There was something he needed to do, something - fuck, what is that! It's that pain again, like my back is on fire.'_

Two strong hands were shaking him now, one on each shoulder. It must not have been the first time the Commander had tried to get his attention, if his expression was anything to go by.

"Levi! We're running out of time, what is it, what came to mind?" Erwin's eyes were pleading now, full of carefully guarded hope. The others stood behind him, apprehension and confusion plastered across their faces. Even Mikasa had stayed as Erwin commanded instead of running off to find Eren herself. She had placed her trust in Levi to do it - he'd remember that for later.

"Eren. He, shit, he's alive but I don't know where I just know we have to get to him soon. And, GODS BE DAMNED, Erwin, my back, on the left, it feels like I've been run through with a rusty dagger." Levi was crouching down on the ground clawing at his straps then, attempting to free himself of the leather and metal. They finally came off, his shirt following quickly after. He placed his hand on the spot only to pull it away immediately. "Shit, it burns!" He was screaming now, unable to hold back as wave after wave of pain coursed through him.

"Oh my stars, Levi, I can't believe I didn't connect the dots..." It was Hanji who spoke this time, kneeling behind him, the words barely a whisper.

"Hanji, please, what are you saying, I-I shit, I don't understand, I-" the last words never left his mouth, a deft slicing motion left him in stunned silence. Mikasa had walked behind where he was kneeling down as well. Without so much as a word of warning, she pulled out her blade and stuck it down in the ground just inches from the captains back. He turned to her, ready to reprimand the action when he caught sight of his reflection in the blade. Any words he had then were lost to him, replaced by a singular thought, neatly written across his low back.

**Protect the others!**

_'Oh hell.'_

And then the emotions came back, somehow even stronger than before, but this time much more focused. Desperation, anger, and even a hint of excitement? He stayed that way, kneeling in the mud as the rain poured down, waiting for Eren's emotions to leave him. All this time, everything that had been happening, it was all because of Eren. All because of Eren, his subordinate. Eren, his responsibility. Eren, his _soulmate_.

"You can explain to me how you figured this out before me at another time Erwin. For now, how do I use this to find him?" His voice was a low growl, heavy with fear and apprehension.

"I don't pretend to be an expert, but I know Eren's only gotten a handful of thoughts from you Levi. My best guess, is that you only allowed the connection to occur in moments of weak- ahem - vulnerability." Hanji and Erwin shared a knowing glance before the blonde continued. "My only advice is to be open and will yourself to share your mind with him. If we're lucky, he'll respond. That was my plan."

Alright, open and honest. Levi could do that.

_'Where are you brat!'_

It wasn't the most eloquent way to phrase it, but it was direct and somehow Levi knew that was the best way to go. It only took a moment before another wave overtook him, this one thankfully much more gentle than the last. He glanced at his reflection again, it was certainly a very inconvenient place to get his words.

**_I'm not worth the risk. Don't come._ **

Slate grey eyes turned to cold black as they read over the words. "Goddammit that suicidal brat. Does he really think sacrificing himself now is the best time?" To say Levi was frustrated was an understatement - he had just gotten some pretty earth shattering news, and this kid decides he's going to let himself get eaten before they even get to have a conversation about it?

_'Seriously Eren? Fuck. That.'_

The letters shifted and rearranged themselves a minute later, and Levi hoped that the brat had come to his senses.

_**I don't want to be your burden.** _

_'My burden...'_ but that was as far as the thought developed before a crushing sadness overcame him, and Levi suddenly became all too aware of Eren's insecurities. Eren didn't think Levi wanted the connection. Eren didn't think he was good enough for Levi. Eren thought that Levi would hate him when he found out.

"Fuck, I - dammit! Erwin, Hanji, what the hell do I do? I don't think he's going to cooperate. You know Yeager, he's stubborn as hell. He's clearly decided he wants to be a sacrifice or some other insufferable shit. So please just, fuck- tell me what we do." The captain was still kneeling in the mud, soaked to the bone and covered in blood. If this were anyone else, he would have left them the second he had a chance. But Eren was his responsibility, he was valuable to the Scouts - to Humanity. If there was a part of Levi that admitted he was important to him for other reasons, then that was no one's business but his own.

"Eren isn't a complete idiot Levi. Even if he did decide he didn't want us to rescue him, he still would have tried to find somewhere safe. He's probably taken up shelter somewhere out on the rim. Let's all just split up and search, he can't be that-" no one had the chance to find out what Armin was going to say next, because before he had even finished the thought Levi was up and sprinting for the closest tress cluster to the titan hoard.

No sooner than the captain had reached the trees, his anchor flew from his body, taking root in the tallest one. Levi was flying upwards then, quickly using his tanks and cables to move about the small forest. He needed to stay high and take in as much as possible, searching for any sign of the brunette's presence. If anyone had been there to witness it, they'd say he'd never moved so fast, so gracefully. He was compelled by a single purpose, and his movements worked perfectly in sync. He would find Eren before it was too late - there was no other choice.

_'Don't you dare give up on me.'_

Halfway through his third pass, he noticed a small flicker of _something_ out of the corner of his eye. The captain adjusted a half second later, sending himself twirling down to find the source. He landed on the ground silently, careful not to make his presence known. If any rouge titans were still wandering about, Levi wanted to be damn certain he had the upper hand. He took in his surroundings quickly, silver eyes darting back and forth as they surveyed the surrounding cover. It didn't take long to notice the bush that had been haphazardly crashed into. He ran towards it, stopping inches from the teens body. Levi stared in mild horror at the site in front of him - the brunette was so damn _still_ \- his limbs laid limp about his frame, face expressionless. He heard shouting then, a name being called over and over, but the sound was damped. When he finally pulled himself out of shock, he realized that _he_ had been the one shouting, Eren's name still lingered on his tongue. A trembling hand found its way to the boys wrist, grasping at it in hopes to feel something, _anything_ , that confirmed he was still alive. The seconds dragged on into what felt like hours, but still there was no response.

"Eren, I..." but the thought never materialized, caught in the shorter man's throat. Firm arms wrapped around the boys waist, pulling him up and over the shorter man's shoulder. Getting Eren back to camp was all that mattered now.


	8. Accepting (Levi)

**June 13th, 853**

Everything happened at once as soon as he returned to camp with Eren slung over his shoulder. Hanji rushed him towards the makeshift bed she'd set up in a cart - the medical tent was already filled with other injured scouts, leaving no room for the newest addition.

"Armin, come up here with me, you're the only other person here with any medical training and Moblit is too busy with the others." The blonde rushed into the cart at the scientist's orders.

"I'm coming too, don't you dare try to stop me!" The dark haired teen was up beside them before anyone had the chance to protest.

"Fine Mikasa, but you have to give me your word that you'll follow my orders." Hanji was deadly serious, and the girl responded with a silent but sincere nod.

Levi stepped up then too, but as soon as he had laid Eren down onto the bed, he was being pulled away by Erwin.

"Hanji will take it from here. I need you to help me get everyone packed and ready - we leave within the hour. This expedition is over." The Commander had turned to leave when the shorter man grabbed him by the shoulder.

"So we're just packing up and heading back?! What about all of the scouts that died just now, what will it have been for if we turn back now!?" Levi was tired and wet and fucking _exhausted_ , but retreating felt wrong.

"Save it. We've had too many casualties, and the injured outnumber our ability to care for them here. We need to head back within the walls where the rest of our medical staff are, or we might not be able to save all of the injured." Erwin stared back at him, eyes briefly darting to the cart where Eren's unresponsive body was being worked on by Hanji and the others. Realization hit Levi then, and he he lowered his hand from the Commander's body, a silent apology between them.

The blonde sighed, speaking softly. "Check in with your squad - find out if they all made it back safe - then rally the others. I'll work on a retreat formation for our reduced numbers. One hour Levi, that should be enough time to collect any patches."

Erwin had turned and left then, leaving Levi standing alone as the chaos continued around him. He knew he had duties - his squad needed to be debriefed, the scouts arranged, patches cut from the corpses and the bodies collected - but all of it paled in comparison to the thought echoing through his mind.

_'Why would you think you were a burden?'_

He let himself look back up at the man in the cart before forcing himself forward.

**June 16th, 853**

Three days had passed, and Levi had barely left Eren's room. Part of him wished that they'd taken the brunette somewhere else - somewhere far away from Levi so that he wouldn't torture himself by spending every second of his day waiting for some sign the shifter was alive. Of course Hanji had other ideas, and had Eren moved to a room just three doors down from Levi's once secluded part of the castle.

Erwin had conspired against him as well, relieving him of any duties for a week. With nothing to distract himself - he'd cleaned every inch of his room twice already - he had nothing to keep him from making the short trip down the hall to check in on Eren. Levi was not a patient man, and the seconds felt like hours, fraying at the edges of his nerves. Even when the others visited - Armin, Mikasa and Jean were rarely gone from his side - he stayed in the room, lurking in the corner as he paced back and forth, brooding over the situation at hand. Thoughts plagued his mind, all of which focused on one central theme. The dark haired man could not understand how he'd missed something so damn important. The questions never relented, a constant chorus in his mind playing through his every waking moment.

-When he walked back and forth from one side of the room to the other, counting his steps and ignoring the glares from Mikasa as she and the others crowded around the bed.

_'Why didn't you tell me sooner?'_

-When he sat in the chair beside the bed, alone, late into the evening.

_'How did I miss the signs?'_

-When he woke up in the same damn chair, neck stiff, the first few rays of sunlight peaking in. Running a shaky hand across the sleeping figure's forehead.

_'How long?'_

And so it continued, day after day. Levi had so many questions, but he received no answers.

**June 20th, 853**

A crash rang out through the trees, splinters and debris flying about. Target after target was destroyed. Levi was capable of mass destruction on any day, but he was _deadly_ when his emotions took hold. The obstacle course had become the current target of his destructive fury. When Hanji found her precious course destroyed she'd be furious, but was completely deserved. It was _her_ fault he was out here anyway, teaming up with Erwin to force him out of his room and into the "fresh air." He wasn't a child that needed to be taken care of - if he wanted to spend his days at Eren's bedside then that was his damn business and no one else's. Forcing him to leave for his "own health" (as Shitty Glasses had put it) was complete and utter bullshit.

He let himself land on a tree branch, taking in the site before him. Nothing remained to be destroyed other than the trees themselves. Tree bark scraped down his back and dug into his thighs as let reclined into his makeshift perch in branches. His fury had subsided by then, a deep chronic sadness left in its place.

Of course they wanted him to leave - his presence was the opposite of comforting. Every time he entered the room and found the teen unresponsive he fell a bit farther into the abyss of his fears. Eren may never wake up, and then he'd be as he'd always been - completely alone. Not that he deserved anything else - it was his fault after all, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every single person he had ever cared for was dead, and he was to blame. After the years in the underground, the countless lives he'd taken, it only seemed appropriate that the lives of those he loved would be taken in return. Life was about balance after all, and Levi was death incarnate.

At first he'd thought that a soulmate would save him, give him someone to care for and protect, someone who'd do the same for him. Growing up in the underground meant he had to fight for everything he had - a soulmate was the only thing he wouldn't have to fight for, the only thing no one could take from him. Now he realized how young and stupid he'd been - of course he wouldn't be given something so precious that easily. It had taken an embarrassingly long time for him to give up the hope, but as 18 turned to 19, and year after year brought no words, the hope finally faded, the final cruel punchline for the ongoing joke that was Levi's life. Levi, Humanities Strongest, who was really just a poor orphan with dead parents, dead friends, and no soulmate.

Things looked up for a while after a few years in the Survey Core, especially once he had formed his squad. Each member was hand picked by Levi himself for their skill and loyalty. He'd entrusted them with his life, and they had trusted him with theirs. Then they were suddenly gone, all at once - the only mistake they had made was believing in Levi to lead them. And there it was again, that self-fulfilling prophecy. Every person he had ever held dear to him - his mother, Farlan and Isabel, and then his squad - had been ripped from his grasp. He had kept himself closed off from forming any deep bonds since the day he lost Petra and the others.

Or at least he had tried to, but then there was Eren - too loud, too much bravado and never enough thought, impulsive to the point of being a liability - and yet, he was also kind and selfless and fiercely loyal. The teen had gotten under Levi's skin, forced himself into the captain's life despite his best effort to keep himself distanced. He had known of course, that he cared for the brunette, but he'd never let himself explore those thoughts in any meaningful way. Finding out Eren was his soulmate certainly hinted that a more intimate connection might exist, but he had outright refused to let his thoughts wander down that path until Eren was awake. Losing him at all would be difficult, but losing him after acknowledging some deeper connection would create a wound too deep to ever heal.

Things wouldn't get any better once the teen woke up either. He'd still be fated to Levi, and being _anything_ to Levi was a death sentence. So much had been taken from Eren already - his family, his childhood, his freedom. The last thing Levi wanted to do was rob him of his ability to find someone the share those quiet intimate moments with, the ones that made all the shit worth it. He'd spent his entire life fighting the titans to give humanity a chance at survival, it wasn't right that he'd never have the opportunity to enjoy the world he'd fought so hard to protect.

And even if by some miracle Eren survived and he _wanted_ Levi as his soulmate, he was still screwed. Levi was many things, but a good partner was unlikely to be one of them. He was cold and crass and rude. He wasn't nice to anyone and he was always in a bad mood - how could someone stand to be romantic with a person like that? It wasn't that Levi didn't want to change, he simply couldn't. He was incapable of being in any sort of loving relationship, it would only be a matter of time before Eren realized that and found someone else to meet those needs. Of course the idea of his soulmate being with someone else made Levi's blood run cold. He knew he couldn't be the type of partner Eren deserved, but he refused to allow the brat to take on a different lover either - just one more way Levi would ruin the teen's life. There was no way out for either of them.

_'You deserved better.'_

When the captain finally pulled himself out of his thoughts, he realized that night had fallen around him.

**June 24th, 853**

The door closed with a thud, the captains back slumped against it, his head leaned back pressing into the wood. A fog clouded his mind, and while he wasn't incapacitated, he was definitely past the point of drunk. He tried to remember just how he'd gotten to this state - his body felt warm and fuzzy and oddly detached from his mind. It was that awful sensation of feeling like a bystander in his own body, watching himself move without consciously deciding to. If there was one thing Levi hated, it was not being in control of the situation. The sound of fabric rustling as it scraped across wood filled his ears, but it took a moment to realize it was coming from behind him, his back sliding down the door until he was sitting on the ground in front of it. Small fingers tangled themselves in his inky hair, a sigh escaping his chapped lips.

"Have a drink with me Hanji said, it'll be fun and help you relax Erwin said, damn traitors.." the words were mumbled incoherently. Not that it mattered, the only other person in the quarters was unconscious - had been for over a week. Levi swore he hadn't intended to wander into Eren's room, but before he knew what was happening his feet had turned and led him to it. After all, the heart wants what the heart wants- his body was just taking directions.

 _'Eren...'_ he was overwhelmed by his desire to be near the brat then, but the idea of returning to a prone position sounded just awful. He was only a few feet away though, and crawling wouldn't be too bad...

_'Oh gods, what if wakes up and sees me drunkenly crawling towards him like a damn house cat. That would really take my whole "creepy old stalker dude" look to a new level.'_

He weighed his options, deciding that being creepy was better than having a splitting headache. It was uncoordinated and more of a roll than a crawl, but he finally found himself kneeling on the floor beside the bed, one arm draped across the teen's sleeping figure. He let his head fall down and rested it on his outstretched arm. While one hand kneaded at the blanket, the other snaked its way towards Eren's face, gently ghosting along his cheekbones and into his tousled hair. The brat hadn't moved in over a week - the only indication he was alive was the slightest rise and fall of his chest. If you didn't look closely, it would be easy to think he was already gone.

 _'Dammit Eren, you shouldn't have pushed yourself so far. I know you wanted to save us but shit, it didn't have to be at the cost of your life. What if you don't wake up? I- I need to talk to you, hear your voice. It isn't right, you can't leave me like this.' H_ e pulled his hand down across the brunettes chest, slowly passing over his forearm until his fingers laced into the others. _'You can't die, I finally found you.'_

A loud creak broke the silence as the door inched open. The small blonde stepped in, lantern in hand, before stopping abruptly at the sight before him.

"Oh, uh, Captain Levi. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I had just gone down to get something to eat. I promised Mikasa I'd stay here with him tonight so she could get some sleep, but uh, if you were planning on staying I could leave. I mean, if you want some privacy, that is." Armin shuffled from one foot to the other, purposely avoiding eye contact with the dark haired man before him. He certainly hadn't meant to invade such an intimate moment, and he was thankful his lantern didn't illuminate the blush on his cheeks.

"S'okay, I was just leavin'. Kid needs his rest." He stood then, his fingers gliding along the brunettes face once more before forming hard fists at his side. He turned and walked out - It wasn't as graceful as he would have liked, but he was sure he pulled it off enough to keep the blonde from asking any questions. It wasn't long before the headache hit him, and he half stumbled half fell the rest of the way to his room. He had protested originally when Hanji had insisted Eren's room be a few doors down from his. Tomorrow, he'd be sure to thank her for it. The next thing he remembered he was standing in his bathroom, clothes discarded on the floor around him. The water was running, and he did his best to wash the tears that had fallen onto his face. Levi avoided looking in the mirror - he knew his reflection would not be a welcome sight. Any other night, he would have dressed for bed and cleaned up after himself, but the weight of alcohol on his body and Eren on his mind was too much to fight, and he let himself fall naked into bed instead. Sleep was quickly approaching, and his last waking thoughts were of bright green eyes he wanted so badly to see again.

_'Please wake up Eren, I don't want to be alone anymore.'_

**June 26th, 853**

A pleasant warmth made its way across his forehead and down the side of his face. He assumed it had to be the result of his half awake state, and he let himself enjoy the fleeting sensation. As soon as he opened his eyes, he'd have to face reality, and reality meant disappointment, so he willed himself to stay still and cling to the last moments of comfort. Just when he was ready to accept his fate and let the sensation fade with the rest of his dreams, a firmer touch landed on his chin. He could make out of the movements of the individual fingers as they shook against his face. He opened his eyes, unwilling to believe the sight in front of him. Eren was awake - sobbing, and clearly very weak - but awake. He reached out and grasped the teen's wrist, needing some sort of confirmation that what he was seeing was real. The arm stiffened on contact, and bright green eyes lifted from the bed to meet cold steel ones.

"Bout time you decided to join us, Yeager." If he wasn't so damn glad to see the brat awake he'd be embarrassed at how tender his voice had come out.

The warmth had returned to the side of his face, and he relaxed into the caress. Eren was alive and awake and here with him now - nothing else really mattered. He noticed the tears that stained the brunette's face - he wanted to reach out and wipe them away, do something to comfort the boy - but instead he remained still, letting Eren stroke his hand up and down his face. Eren needed his support right now, but he wasn't sure exactly how to give it. Comforting someone did not come natural to Levi, and he was completely at a loss for what to do without Eren walking him through it.

_'Eren I'm here, and yes this is real, and yes we are soulmates, and dammit why aren't you saying anything?!'_

When he couldn't stand the silence any longer, he looked up at the teen. "Eren?" He did his best to convey everything he couldn't say and do in that one word. He wanted, needed, to hear Eren's voice, to hear the teen tell him exactly what he needed. To his dismay, the teen stopped his motions, pulling back from the captain. He wouldn't even look at him. Levi desperately wanted to reach out, reestablish the contact between them, but he forced himself not to - his desires would have to wait, Eren was all that mattered right now.

"How long?" the brunette's voice sounded tired and strained and _wrong._

"Two weeks Eren. We were starting to think..." he stopped then, holding back the last words. Levi refused to be weak, especially in front of Eren. "The others will want to know you're awake. I'll go get them." He stood to leave, but found the younger man's hand had returned to grip at his wrist.

"Please, just stay. I- I'm not ready yet. Captain, I'm so- so tired. Please don't leave me. I just want to rest with you here." Levi's heart caught in his throat at the request. In that moment he would have done anything Eren asked of him, but knowing that the teen wanted nothing more than just stay here with him was the most precious gift he'd ever been given.

"Okay brat." He sat back down then, kicking his feet up to the small stool beside the bed. He was unable to resist the draw anymore and when he ran his hand tentatively through the brunette's hair, he felt electricity shoot through his chest. Eren's hand came to rest gently on his thigh, and he found himself enjoying the warmth that accompanied it. It was only a few minutes before he heard the shifter's breath become even and soft, and he soon felt himself overcome with drowsiness as well. For the first time in months, he slept soundly.

Morning came, but the captain allowed himself to stay seated a few minutes longer. He knew once he told the others that Eren had finally come out of it that his time with the teen would be infringed upon. It made sense of course, he needed to be checked on by Hanji and his friends clearly cared deeply for him as well. For all he knew, Eren wouldn't even want to pursue things, but it would likely be a few days before he felt well enough to have _that_ conversation. Eren had woken up and taken a step forward - it was time for Levi to do the same.

An hour later the captain had bathed, dressed, eaten breakfast, and rounded up the others. When he returned, the shifter was still sleeping soundly in his bed.

"Oi, shitty brat, time to get up. You have visitors."

Until he knew for sure that the nature of their relationship had changed, he'd be sure to keep up appearances. He turned and left then, giving the others time with the teen. He'd been selfish in his refusal to allow anyone else to have time alone with Eren, but he knew once the teen was awake he'd be making that choice for himself. Levi doubted he'd be the one Eren chose to have around.

The day passed quickly - Erwin had left a mountain of paper work for him to file, his squad was far behind on their training regimen, and the newest scouts - the ones that made it back - were a far cry from prepared to head out again. Finding ample work to fill his time would not be difficult, and he welcomed the distraction.

It wasn't until very late in the evening, well after most of the others had gone to bed, that he found himself heading back to his quarters. He really hadn't intended on coming to Eren's quarters again, not until the teen asked for him to, but as he came upon the door he felt the overwhelming desire to be with the teen. He opened the door, looking in briefly to see the brunette fast asleep, his face illuminated by the glow of the moon. His expression was relaxed, happy even, a small smile on his face. The shorter man felt butterflies in his stomach - _fucking butterflies -_ and a terrible fondness for the man lying in front of him. It was going to be hell if he had to keep away from him, but he needed Eren to want this on his own. Hell, Levi didn't even know what he wanted yet, but if they figured it out together, maybe - just maybe - it wouldn't be so bad.

_'I'm glad it's you.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn't feel like I broke continuity - let's just assume that Armin is really quiet and came in to check on Eren a lot, like say when Levi was asleep or something, because he's a sneaky cinnamon roll.


	9. Hope

**July 2nd, 853**

Days had passed before Eren asked for Levi to see him. He had wanted to ask for him sooner, but Mikasa's constant presence had prevented it. Despite his best efforts, he hadn't forgotten their little "talk" when he'd first woken up, and he knew any mention of the Captain would send her into a quiet rage. Her mothering had died down quite a bit when she realized she and Jean were marked for each other (rather she had started mothering Jean more and Eren less), but whatever progress they'd made had dissipated since Eren woke up. If anything, she was more intensely watching him now than she had been before. At least when he was injured, she was worried - now that he was awake, there was nothing to distract her fury towards the captain and the idea of him "deflowering" her brother.

It had taken an hour of arguing and Armin and Jean physically removing her from his room before he was finally left alone. Now that he was able to think freely, he realized how completely terrified he was of the impending conversation. All he knew for sure was that Levi knew they were soulmates and seemed to be ok with it. It was still unclear if Levi was interested in him romantically, but that was the point of asking him to his quarters. He was nervous but resolute - he wanted to know what the older man wanted now that everything was out in the open.

Hanji had ordered him to bed rest for at least a week, so going to the captain's room was a no go. Armin had promised to relay the message, but it had been hours since they left. As the day dragged on and the sun began to disappear beyond the horizon, so did Eren's meager confidence. Whatever grand gesture he'd planned was just a vague memory - he was in full on panic mode, and a quiet but swift knock at his door was enough to shove any last remnant of bravado he had out of his mind.

"Come in." His voice was a strangled squeak and he mentally cursed himself for sounding so young. The brunette inhaled deeply, but when he lifted his eyes to meet the older man's his breath caught in his throat. He'd always had a vague idea that the Captain was attractive - strong jaw, clean hair cut, smooth face, piercing eyes - but when he stood there in his casual grey shirt and black pants, no straps or gear in sight, Eren felt himself _swoon_. Levi had always intimidated the brunette, but today the lack of his uniform made him feel less like an unattainable god of death and more like a man. His usual scowl was replaced with a small smile, his dark eyes lacked their fierceness, a glint of emotion in its place leaving his face soft and vulnerable. It felt like he was seeing Levi - not the Captain, not Humanities's Strongest, not a soldier - just Levi, for the first time.

The shorter man was the first to speak. "Did you get anything for dinner?" He stood a few feet from the bed, awkwardly avoiding eye contact. He looked small and unsure, a complete 180 from the man that had beaten Eren to a pulp the day he met him.

"Yeah, Armin Jean and Mikasa brought me something earlier." The teen sat up and moved to sit at the edge of his bed, gesturing for the shorter man to join him. Levi hesitated briefly before giving in and sitting beside Eren, mere inches separating them.

"That explains why they weren't at the mess hall. I saw Mikasa a bit later on, she looked like she wanted to kick my face in even more than usual." There was a smile smile on his face but his eyes held no happiness, only concern.

"Uh yeah, sorry about her. You know how Mikasa is, she's just... worried." The brunette did his best to diffuse the tension that had grown between them, but it only seemed to amplify. The dark haired man looked at him then, mouth hung open, a question on the tip of his tongue. When he finally willed himself to speak, Eren felt he'd been slapped.

"Because you almost died, or because I'm your soulmate?" He looked away again, searching for anything other than those damn bright green eyes that starred straight into his soul.

"Both, Sir. Mostly because of your uh, reputation, uh... sexually." The brunette's words were barely a whisper, but Levi heard it all the same. A deep sigh left the smaller man's lips, heavy with the weight of his past.

"Please don't call me that when we're alone Eren, not anymore. I just want to be Levi to you now. Anyway, don't worry about Mikasa, I understand why she's concerned."

Of course he had a reputation. Every year he grew older, but the fresh recruits were always the same age, always young and bright eyed and eager and completely naive to what a total and complete jackass Levi was (or at least as he pretended to be for appearances sake, but you are what you pretend to be.) It wasn't that he liked them because they were young - he wasn't a creepy old man - he just knew that anyone who'd been around for a while would have started to see how cold and disinterested he was, and would subsequently lose any interest in him.

So whenever he found a particularly attractive young woman (or man, he didn't really care) he'd invite them to his quarters for an evening. Levi was many things, but coy was not one of them - he was always direct about the nature of the invitation. If they accepted, it was for sex that night and nothing else - there was never the promise of more. Of course there were always a few who tried to find their way back to him, to prove that he wanted more, but it never worked. They were too proud to admit that Levi didn't want them for more than a night, and the rejection afterwards had left such a bitter taste that most avoided him for the remainder of their time in the corps.

"I had completely given up on the possibility of ever having a soulmate. I was so resolute that I would never have one - that they were already dead - that I missed all of the signs my body sent. I suppose it didn't help that my words are on my lower back. What I'm trying to say is that if it had to happen now, I'm okay with it being you."

"I'm glad it's you too, Levi, even if you didn't want it."

If Levi was honest with himself - and he generally was - he wasn't sure what he wanted. It was hard to understand your emotions when you hadn't allowed yourself to feel anything for the last decade. The experience was entirely overwhelming for him.

"It's not that I didn't want a soulmate Eren, but you have to understand that I turned 18 a long time ago... finding out I had one now, after all this time... was like ripping open an old wound. And then when I thought I'd lost you before I even had the chance to really have you, I just... it was just... hard. I'm glad it's you Eren, but I'm fucking terrified of letting myself feel something for someone. I haven't allowed myself to do that since we lost Petra and the others, and I know that if I let myself have this with you, I'm never going to be the same again. I am so scared of messing this up - of hurting you, of losing you." His knees were tucked into his chest , his forehead resting gently on them as he ran his hands through his inky strands, massaging small circles into his scalp. He waited for a response from the brunette but received none. After what felt like hours, he fainlly had enough composure to lift his head and chance a look at the man beside him.

Eren's face was unreadable - too many different emotions struggling for dominance on his features. He turned to face Levi, the turmoil still present but lessened. "There's no right answer, you just have to choose the choice you'll regret the least. But the truth is, it doesn't matter if you leave me today or tomorrow, or ten years from now - I already love you, Levi." A strangled whimper left the shorter mans' throat, but the brunette refused to leave anything unsaid. "So no matter what I'm going to get hurt if you leave me. And I know I'd rather have the chance to be with you and get to experience a soul bond with someone I trust, someone I care deeply about, than to always have to fight the way I feel about you and wonder what if." The brunette looked down at the man beside him, but his face was once again hidden in his knees. He expected Levi to be mad, to tell him he was young and didn't understand his feelings, but Eren knew it was for nothing. He had finally come to terms with his own feelings - Levi had to do the same. The silence between them was heavy and oppressive but the teen remained still - the ball was no longer in his court, all he could do was wait.

Minutes passed before Levi shifted his hips, closing the gap between them until their sides were pressed together. Dark strands fell down onto the younger mans shoulder as his head fell to the side, allowing himself a closeness he'd only experienced in his most private thoughts. A quiet gasp left Eren's lips, but the shock wore off quickly. His right arm moved then to circle the smaller man, pulling him even closer into his side, his fingers tracing small gentle circles on Levi's shoulder. It wasn't a confession, but Levi was always one to prefer actions to words.

"Okay brat. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm willing to try." His voice was deep and gravely, filled with emotion, face covered in a deep blush.

Eren's entire face lit up at those words, a smile stupidly plastered across his mouth, eyes bright and shinning. Levi had come to him, allowed himself to be vulnerable, and made the first move - it was the teen's turn to take care of him now. He shifted to face the man at his side, keeping one arm behind him as he moved the other to hook beneath the knees still tucked to his chest. The motion was swift, and if Levi had any strength left in him he would have likely struck out in defense, but Eren was too fast and by the time he realized what had happened, the teen had laid him down, bridal style onto the side of his bed. He joined him a moment later, pulling him towards his chest, his fingers continuing their previous ministrations on his shoulder, easing away any remaining tension. Warm skin pressed to his forehead, warm breath mingled with his own. Noses bumped, one set of lips grazed across the other - it was over before it really started, a ghost of a kiss, and then the taller man laid on his back, waiting for Levi to reciprocate.

Levi curled into the man beside him, one arm and leg slung over his torso, head tucked into the crook of his arm. He was still adjusting to being in such a vulnerable situation, but the intimacy was not unwelcome. He didn't remember the last time someone had touched him so gently, so full of love and affection. Sex had always been quick and efficient, a means to an end. This was something entirely different, and he relished in it. There was so much more he wanted to see and do and touch and taste and _feel_ \- but for once, he didn't want to rush it. No one could see what the future would bring them, but for the first time in a very long time, Levi allowed himself to hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end for this one! Considering making this a part of a series and continuing on, but I'm undecided.
> 
> Hit me up on Tumblr! I finally made one to talk about my OTPs/fandoms with other people because as a lady in her twenties I have very few real world friends who are into it.
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/burning-broadripple


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